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Table of Contents
Table of Contents
Section 1 . All About Parenting...
Chapter 1. The Parenting Relationship
Chapter 2 . Strategic Interaction
Chapter 3 . What Do We Do About It? The Six P’s
Chapter 4 . Positions and Other Important Things
Chapter 5. Strategic Interaction in Action
Section 2. What Do I Do When...
Chapter 6 ... My Child Lies?
Chapter 7 ... My Child Won’t Communicate?
Chapter 8 ... My Child Always Blames Others?
Chapter 9 ... My Child Is Careless and Irresponsible?
Chapter 10 ... My Child Won’t Learn from Experience?
Chapter 11 ... My Child Acts Out with Drugs, Alcohol or Sex?
Chapter 12 ... My Child Shows Poor Judgment and Is Easily
Influenced?
Chapter 13 ... My Child Won’t Listen to Reason?
Chapter 14 ... My Child Is Violent?
Chapter 15 ... My Child Won’t Obey Rules?
Chapter 16 ... My Child Is in A Gang, Hangs With a Bad Crowd, Or
Is Prone to Peer Pressure?
Chapter 17 ... My Child Seems Depressed?
Section 3. All About Success...
Chapter 18. What Do I Do When “Nothing‿ Seems to Work?
Chapter 19. When “Nothing‿ Works, This Works
APPENDICES
Suggested Resources
Ordering Information
About the Author
Excerpts
Recommended Reading
Barkley, R. (1997). Defiant Children, A Clinician's Manual for Assessment and Parent Training. The Guilford Press; New York, New York.
Cline, F. and J. Fay. (1992). Parenting With Love And Logic. Colorado Springs, CO: Pinon Press.
Dinkmeyer, D. and G. McKay. (1989). The Parent's Handbook: Systematic Training for Effective Parenting(STEP). Circle Pines, MN: American Guidance Service, Inc.
Dreikers, R. (1964). Children: The Challenge. New York, NY: Plume Books.
Faber, E. and E. Mazlisch. (1980). How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. New York, NY: Avon Books.
Ginott, H. (1969). Between Parent And Teenager. New York, NY: Avon Books.
Gordon, T. (1970). Parent Effectiveness Training. New York, NY: Penguin Books.
Rosemond, J. (1990). Ending the Homework Hassle. Kansas City, MO: Andrews and McMeel.
Rosemond, J. (1997). The New Six-Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children. Kansas City, MO: Andrews and McMeel.
Runkel, H. E. (2007). Screamfree Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool. Broadway Books; New York, New York.
Bendtro, L., M. Brokenleg & S. Van Brocken. (1990). Reclaiming Youth at Risk: Our Hope for the Future. Bloomington, IN: National Educational Service.
Curwin, R. and A. Mendler. (1988). Discipline With Dignity: New Challenges, New Solutions. Reston, VA: Association for Supervision and Curriculum Development.
Mendler, A. (1992). What Do I Do When?: How to Achieve Discipline With Dignity in the Classroom. Bloomington, IN: National Educational Service.
Chapters
Chapter 1
THE PARENTING RELATIONSHIP
Parenting is not a series of “techniques‿ or “manipulations‿ designed to gain control over another human being. It is a special kind of relationship between a parent and a child.
That relationship is what ties you and your child together. It is the conduit for everything you give to and receive from your child. It is made up of the thousands of interactions you have together. As the interactions go, so goes the relationship.
You may gain momentary power or control by using various “tricks‿ as a parent, but ongoing, permanent influence is achieved through effective interactions. It is a product of relating successfully. This book presents information about how parents and children relate to each other, how that relationship can go wrong, how negative interactions can lead to destructive behavior in children, and how to counteract a negative cycle.
Components of the Parent-Child Relationship
What are some of the components of your relationship with your child?
Here are just a few of them:
Discipline
Limits
Caring
Guidance
Structure
Love
Instruction
Respect
Socialization
In your relationship with your child you play different roles.
These can generally be separated into roles considered to be “Business‿ and those considered to be “Personal.‿
As a parent and caretaker of a young, developing person, there are certain things you must teach your child so that he may function well in society and so that your home and family may run smoothly. You must set certain standards and limits for his behavior. These functions fall into what could be called the Business side of the relationship.
The other part of the relationship is the Personal side. This is where the fun, loving, caring, respectful part of the relationship is played out. Sometimes parents pay so much attention to the Business side of the relationship that they forget the Personal side. Or they may feel they can’t allow the fun, friendly part because it will somehow weaken the Business (i.e., rules) side of the relationship. Children who seem to need lots of structure often provide little that is rewarding in the relationship. The relationship is dominated by the Business side to the exclusion of the Personal side. For instance, you may have found yourself saying, “He never gives me a chance to do anything but be the mean ogre that he thinks I am.‿
You can discipline and use the Personal side too. In fact, if you feel all you can do is the Business side, you might be surprised at the benefits of bringing in the Personal side or at least making a sincere effort to do so. It may take some creativity on your part, but think about it. If you’re not enjoying the relationship because all you’re doing is yelling, setting limits, and enforcing rules, then your child is probably not enjoying the relationship either. If your child is always mad at you and sees you only as the Ruler, he is much less likely to want to cooperate. He will not be inclined to obey any rules you have. If your child gets some of the friendship, love, or respect that can come from the Personal side, he may also be more willing to make concessions. He may be more ready to do what is necessary to continue to live in this pleasant atmosphere.
However, just as you can concentrate too much on the Business side, you can also concentrate too much on the Personal side. You do have a job to do with your child. You are not merely a child’s friend. She is not here to share your burdens. If you move too much in the direction of being a “buddy,‿ you will have problems later on when you do need to set limits. Indeed, setting limits is a part of the task of socialization, which is part of he job of parenting.
“Blurring‿ of the two separate sides of the parenting relationship occurs when, for example, a parent interprets a child’s failure to obey a rule (a Business issue) as lack of respect for the parent (a Personal issue). Another example is when a parent feels he cannot have fun or cannot socialize in the relationship (a Personal issue) because he has to discipline his child (a Business issue).
In the corporate world, a business relationship is assumed. In a business relationship, if part of a contract is not performed, certain consequences are carried out. Usually there is not a feeling that the contract was broken because of personal reasons. If I contract with someone to paint my house on Monday and she doesn’t show up, I probably will not think her failure to show up was because she did not like me. Nor would I pay her for her failure to do the work. Furthermore, I might be mad about it, but I would not give her a lecture about respecting my boundaries and rules.
In other words, I would treat a business relationship like business and not introduce personal feelings into it. Likewise, in parenting it is important to treat the Business side like business and simultaneously to use and enjoy the Personal side. So how do you interact with your child in order to teach him all he needs to know while still being able to enjoy him? How do you relate from the Business side and still be the kind of person he enjoys?
Parents get locked into counterproductive interactions with their children that lead to destructive ways of thinking and acting, but a different way of thinking about interactions with children can help make those interactions more fun, fulfilling, and effective for both parent and child. By learning the mechanics of Strategic Interaction, you can become more effective in all of your interactions, whether they be with your child, your spouse, your own parents, your supervisor, your friend, or even yourself. And you will be able to change—even prevent—the destructive thought patterns and behaviors your child may get into.
Points to Remember from Chapter 1:
1. Permanent, ongoing influence is achieved through successful interactions and satisfying relationships, not through “power tactics.‿
2. There is a Business side and a Personal side to every parent-child relationship.
3. It is important to keep the Business and Personal sides separate.
4. Concentrating too much on either side of the relationship makes the relationship less effective and less fulfilling
.5. Children’s destructive ways of thinking and acting stem from interactions with parents and other authority figures.
6. Effective use of both Business and Personal sides will lead to mutually satisfying relationships.
Chapter 7
What Do I Do When. . .
. . . My Child Won’t Communicate?
My words are but a whisper;
your deafness, a shout.
—Ian Anderson,
Thick as a Brick (1972)
The task of adolescence is to achieve a sense of identity and independence. To do this, there must be some separation between teens and their parents and family. That’s one reason adolescents don’t share everything with you anymore.
A second reason is that they are involved in a different culture than you are. Teen culture has different values, tastes, sense of humor, and ideals from a parent’s. Adolescents don’t see things your way, and you don’t see things their way. That makes it hard to have something in common to talk about.
A third reason why communication may be difficult has to do with the interactional dynamics.
The Interactional Dynamics
Parent: Hey! You’re spending entirely too much time in your room. We want you in here with us for a change.
Child: Oh, leave me alone.
P: What’s the matter with you? You never talk to us anymore.
C: There’s nothing wrong! I just don’t have anything to say.
P: Well, you sure seem to have plenty to say to your friends on the telephone.
C: So what?
P: So, from now on, if you don’t talk to us, you don’t talk on the telephone.
C: OK! Fine! What do you want me to say?
P: Well, how was your day in school?
C: It sucked! Now, are you happy? I’ll be in my room.
In the above example, the parent wanted to hear from the child so much that she resorted to forcing communication. That obviously didn’t work very well. I once spoke with a parent who was very concerned about his son. The boy basically locked himself in his bedroom whenever he was home. He did not come out to eat meals with the family or participate in other family activities, so the parents knew very little about what was going on with the boy. They worried a lot.
The father decided that if only the boy would come to the dinner table for dinner with the family, they could worry less. Threatening punishment didn’t seem to work, so the father began a nightly ritual of pleading with his son for 10 to 20 minutes at dinner time, through the boy’s locked door. Of course, this also did not work. I suggested that the father simply knock on the boy’s door at dinner time and say, “Five minutes to dinner.‿ He was then to leave. The first two nights the father did this, there was no response.
On the third night, though, the father was amazed to see his son come to the dinner table. When the father got out of the negative interaction around dinner and reduced his desire for the boy to conform to his wishes, the negative interaction was ended and the boy was free to come out of his room.
Although teens are trying to become independent, they do want someone to talk with. That’s why talking to their friends is so important to them. That’s why they also may become attached to someone else’s parent and enjoy sharing things with that person. Growing up is a scary thing. Adolescents actually would love to be able to talk about their fears and new experiences with someone they trust. They would love to trust you and talk to you about it. They want someone who will talk with them, not talk at them.
However, parents are too quick to get alarmed about what they hear from their children and tend to lecture, scold, and point out what’s wrong with what they are hearing from their kids. That doesn’t make for a very pleasant conversation from the child’s standpoint.
The child gets the idea that when you say you want to hear from him, you actually mean that you only want to hear what you want to hear and not what is actually on the child’s mind. If you really want to talk with your child, you have to be ready to hear things that may be hard to hear. And you have to be able to talk with your child about those things without making the child feel guilty, stupid, or immature. That means exploring with him how he feels, what he thinks, and how he plans to act about the subject. The child wants your advice, but first the child wants you to hear and respect what he thinks about the matter.
A Strategic Interaction
Parent: Hey, how’s it going?
Child: Fine.
P: Good. How’s school lately?
C: Fine.
P: Great! I know you were having a little trouble with math last semester. Is that still a problem for you?
C: That teacher sucks!
P: No kidding? What’s up with him?
C: I don’t know. He’s got it in for me.
P: Uh oh! That can make things pretty rough.
C: Tell me about it! He gets so picky about the tiniest things, like if our homework’s a little late. Big deal! The other teachers don’t care.
P: Wow. What are you going to do?
C: I don’t know. I may have to stay after school and take some tutoring with him. He gets real impressed with stuff like that.
P: Maybe that will work. Sounds like a good plan, anyway. Let me know how it goes, OK? And let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.
C: Sure. Thanks.
This parent probably didn’t like everything she heard from the boy, but she did hear about some things going on in the boy’s life and set it up to hear more by asking to be filled in later. More importantly, though, by taking a position of sincere, noninterfering interest, she has shown the boy that she can be trusted to listen respectfully and unobtrusively. This boy will probably feel it is safe to share other things with this parent on down the road.
Things to Think About When Your Child Won’t Communicate
* The task of adolescence is to achieve a sense of identity, independence,
and self-agency.
* An adolescent can be viewed as a person from a different culture.
* Forcing communication does not foster communication.
* Teens want and need to talk to others about their thoughts and experiences. That is why their peers are so important to them. Peers may be the only ones who listen to them seriously.
* Parents tend to get alarmed at what they hear and start to lecture rather than listen.
* The child wants you to hear and respect him, and then offer your ideas.
* True power comes by listening first, rather than by lecturing first.
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